


Out With (A) Bang

by deathisfine



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Angst, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Crying, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Established Relationship, First Time, Fluff, Frottage, Gummy smile for days, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Oblivious, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Pre-Relationship, Prompt Fic, Short, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Tags to be updated every chapter, Tumblr Prompt, Unrequited Love, Yoo Youngjae-centric, thus far at least
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-16 07:36:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13049484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathisfine/pseuds/deathisfine
Summary: A collection of short stories/drabbles involving BangJae, because they need more love.Chapter 6: Youngjae and Yongguk get lost in the moment in Hawaii.TW: Suicide in chapter 3.





	1. Wet (G+)

**Author's Note:**

> I’m home for Christmas and couldn’t exactly bring my PC with me, so I’m borrowing a tablet to write while I’m here. Might be a lot of spelling mistakes because of this as I’m used to a big mechanical keyboard and not this tiny thing. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy. Will update sporadically during the holidays.
> 
> Prompt: Kissing them under the rain without an umbrella after a silly argument, proceeding to giggle it out.
> 
> Note: Even when following a prompt I may or may not follow it to a T. I go where it takes me, which I suppose is fine as they are just prompts I’ve found online.

They’d both been screaming, but the only sound now was the heaving of their breaths and the rain pouring down heavily, soaking both of them to the bone. His sweater was heavy and drooping off of a shoulder, but he didn’t care. He could just stare into Yongguk’s eyes, searching. Was he still angry?

It felt so stupid, they were both so stupid. He couldn’t even remember who raised their voice first - they’d both been on edge. It was just a cake, it wasn’t the end of the world that after having it in the oven for a couple minutes too long he managed to drop it after frosting it. They could just run by the store and buy one for Daehyun’s birthday, like Yongguk had suggested earlier. But no, he couldn’t let it go and their pent up frustrations at their busy schedule had them blowing up in each other’s faces.

Then he laughed. He quickly clasped his hands in front of his mouth as his lips opened without his permission, making his laugh fill the air instead of their angry breaths. There was a blink before the man in front of him started laughing too, eyes crinkling wonderfully.

Yongguk put a wet hand at the back of his neck and pulled him in, their foreheads touching. His other hand removed the hand from his mouth, taking it to his own instead, kissing it, in between laughs.

The rain was completely forgotten until his body stiffened and he let out a deafening sneeze. Yongguk’s laughter had been dying down, but it came back louder than it had even started. Youngjae looked away sheepishly, hitting half heartedly at his chest for laughing at him. It did nothing to remove the gummy smile off of his face though. He just grabbed bot of his hands and pulled him closer, kissing his lips softly, eyes looking at him so fondly he thought he’d melt away.

“We should get inside, don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“Make me.” He challenged, moving his hands to rest on his hips.

The stance did nothing to deter him though. In a matter of seconds Youngjae was in his arms, bridal style, laughing like a little kid and kicking his legs in the air in fake protest as he was carried inside.

They could figure out the cake situation later, after their clothes were off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s 0138 AM and I’m tired, but I’m working on becoming more laid back with my writing and these bite sized ‘fics’ are the perfect way to practice. What’s the point in being a perfectionist if you never get to finish anything?


	2. Different (G+)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst prompt:
> 
> “Please don’t cry. I can't-I’ve never been able to stand it when you cry.”
> 
> “I’m sorry. I thought I could do this, but I was wrong.”
> 
> “Why? Why is this so hard for you?”
> 
> “Really? After all these years, you’re still going to pretend you don’t know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup with me being so PG13 all of a sudden.......
> 
> Today was rough. Take care of each other, we have no one to lose. Please seek help if you struggle psychologically, no matter how insignificant you think your struggles are. You are beautiful and you matter.

“Please don’t cry. I can’t,” Yongguk’s eyes tore from his teary ones before he continued. “You know I can’t take it when you cry.” His usual calm voice was becoming unsteady and it made Youngjae feel impossibly guilty.

“I’m sorry, I thought I could do this, but I can’t.” He managed through a sob, eyes firmly on the ground.

“Why? Why is this so hard for you?” The words were like a punch in the gut and left him with a pang of bitterness and anger. He could see Yongguk trying to catch his eyes at the edge of his vision. Biting his lip he steeled himself and looked into his dark eyes before speaking up again.

“Really? After all this time you’re going to pretend you don’t know?” Suddenly feeling brave. Youngjae’s hands were balled into fists at his side and his eyes were burning with a multitude of emotions, tears still streaking down his face. He waited for acknowledgement to pass on Yongguk’s face, but it never came. Could he really be so oblivious? He had all but actually confessed to him.

He’d been swooning over him since they were kids. It had been innocent back then, but his love for his hyung had only grown with time. It was part of the reason he grabbed the opportunity to study abroad the second he had it. Having Yongguk so close, but never more than in a platonic way, was eating away at him. The distance made it easier, he could forget about his honeyed voice and the gummy smile for long enough to actually concentrate on his studies.

It worked until he got the news - Yongguk was getting serious with a girlfriend he hadn’t told him about. Every reason he’d given as for not telling him made sense. He was in the US and Yongguk was back in Korea, there was no point telling him about her, Jimin, until he knew it was going to last. When the call ended he sat in silence on his bed for a few minutes before the thoughts of losing Yongguk became overwhelming. He rapidly lost control of his breathing and grabbed at his chest as he choked on nothing. It felt a lot like dying, and in a way he was.

He had just gotten home the night before and Yongguk dragged him out of his apartment the next morning, refusing to hear of how jet-lagged he was. After a day of catching up he forgot all about Jimin. It was just the two of them, like it used to be. He desperately wanted to go back. Would things be different if he had had the guts to come out to Yongguk earlier? His head told him no, he would have lost him sooner, that’s why he kept his emotions in check.

But why was he crying his eyes out in front of the man he loved? Because Yongguk had told him he’d been looking at rings - rings of the promise of eternal love caliber - and it was too much. Without warning he never had a chance to hold back the shock on his face or the tears that immediately clouded his vision.

Yongguk hadn’t noticed at first, too busy looking at the horizon with his trademark gummy smile on his face, envisioning going down on one knee in front of the woman he loved. He knew it would happen eventually. He knew Yongguk would fall in love, get married and have 2,5 kids. Even so he shattered into a million pieces. It was a gasp in between quiet sobs that made Yongguk turn his head and look at him. The surprised look on his face, followed by the gums disappearing, made him cry harder, no longer crying quietly.

“Hey, Youngjae.”

The recognition he waited for never came.

“You’re so thick.” Youngjae gasped.

A part of him wanted to grab him by his shirt or his face and smash his lips into his own, but he couldn’t do that. They weren’t his to kiss, he belonged to someone else and Jimin loved him and he loved her. His eyes flickered from his full lips to his confused eyes and he didn’t know which was worse: Yongguk never knowing he loved him or having to tell him.

When Yongguk took a step closer he couldn’t help but flinch away from the touch he desired most.

“Why did it have to be you?” He asked fruitlessly. His sleeves were furiously rubbing at his wet cheeks, but they were so soaked he was doing more harm than good. “I-“ Youngjae tried, biting anxiously at his lips. Q

“Whatever it is you can tell me, Youngjae. I love you, you know that.” The concern in his eyes was overflowing. Youngjae couldn’t help but choke on his sobs and let out a humiliating sigh at the irony.

“Not the way I love you.” There, he finally said it. The cat was out of the bag now. _I love you so unbearably much._

Yongguk blinked a couple of times, no doubt trying to process his words or find out if it could mean anything else than what was more than implied.

“What-“ He started, but Youngjae wouldn’t let him finish. He didn’t want to watch him stumble around the subject, trying to deny or explain away what he’d finally confessed to.

“I’m in love with you.” How he managed to keep eye contact until the words were out of his mouth he had no idea. It took everything he had not to drop on the ground, but he only dropped his head, not being able to bear the look that had to be in Yongguk’s eyes.

After a long silence it was finally broken.

“I’m so sorry, Youngjae.” Yongguk sounded as defeated as Youngjae was.

“Don’t. It’s not like it’s your fault.” Brown eyes still firmly planted on the ground.

Yongguk stepped closer again, slowly this time as if asking permission. He dared look up again and was met by the pity in his eyes before being crushed in a hug. With Yongguk’s steady breathing against his chest he was finally able to take back control of his own, all the while trying not to be too caught up in being this close to him, the man he loved, while he knew of his feelings for him. His nose was filled with the minty smell of his perfume with a tinge of Yongguk’s own particular musky smell. It was the same perfume he’d used for years, it brought him a small amount of comfort.

A big hand was brushing his back comfortably and after a while he finally hugged him back; carefully at first, but he soon found himself fisting his shirt and pushing his head into his shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay.” The honeyed voice promised and he hoped it would be as his body was shaking against his hyung’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another late night chapter written in one sitting and with one read through. Hope you enjoyed reading!


	3. Loss (PG13?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Himchan tries to convey something over the phone, but is unable to. Youngjae is equal parts annoyed and scared before he is shattered by the reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide
> 
> I’m still very much affected by the news of Jonghyun. This is a way for me to cope. Take care of yourself. The news of Jonghyun and my anxiety for Yongguk’s feelings as a leader who struggle(d/s) gave birth to this. At home on my PC I actually have a fic about that, probably a one shot as well. I’m so devastated, but this, like everything else, will pass. I have to believe in Yongguk’s AM 4:44 “Everything’s gonna be alright”.

The walls were closing in on him before Himchan had even told him what was wrong. He could hear crying in the background before a word was even uttered. His heart was beating out of his chest and his palms were sweating profusely.

“W-what’s going on, hyung?” Voice cracking due to his dry mouth.

There was no answer at first which only caused his mind to rile more. A nervous sound made its way from Youngjae’s throat as he was anxiously waiting for the reply. What was going on? Part of him told him to calm down, pray that it was just Himchan overreacting or trying to pull his leg. It couldn’t be as bad as he pictured it to be. Everything would be fine the moment Himchan just told him what was happening.

For once it wasn’t. For once it was worse than he could possibly imagine.

“It’s Yongguk...” Was all he got when Himchan finally spoke again and a cold rush ran through Youngjae’s body.

“What about Yongguk-hyung?” His voice was high pitched now, pain evident in his voice as he spoke the name of the eldest member of the group. The beating of his heart was even more erratic now; it felt like it would explode any second now.

  
“I can’t, Youngjae-ah,” Himchan started, voice barely more than a whisper, and Youngjae wanted to smash his phone against the nearest wall. When he didn’t continue Youngjae spoke up again.

“Himchan-hyung, please,” He sobbed and slid down the wall he was leaning against. “You’re scaring me.” Which he was.

“I should have been here. Why weren’t I here?” Himchan’s rambling did nothing to soothe him, quite the contrary. The sobbing in the background was more prominent then and he could recognise it as Daehyun’s. Why was Daehyun crying?

“Hyung!” He snapped, his imagination slowly killing him. He had to know what was going on.

“Is Jongup there?”

“Yes! He’s in the bathroom, but what does it matter?” He sighed, exasperated, through his tears.

“I’m sorry,” His Hyung started, but for what he was apologising he had no idea. “Bring him back. You have to come back.”

“Why is Daehyun crying?” If there was one thing Youngjae needed it was answers and not getting any was driving him up the wall.

“Just...come back. I can’t do this,” There was a long breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry and tell me what’s going on.” He wanted to yell, but Himchan’s timid voice made him incapable of doing so. Even so his fear was dying down in favour of anger.

“Hyung?” He could hear the confusion in Jongup’s voice long before he saw it on his face. It made him grab at the almost dried tears on his face.

“It’s-“ He started, but he stopped himself before he could tell him that it was nothing, because he didn’t know, no matter how desperately he wished he did.

“We’re coming.” Youngjae said curtly and hung up on Himchan before slipping his phone into his pocket. After a deep sigh he got himself up off the floor, removing the last remnants of his tears as he did so.

Jongup was standing there like a big old question mark, head tilted to the side and brows furrowed in a mix of worry and confusion. Youngjae just shook his head while shrugging.

“Himchan needs us at the dorm.” He sighed and slung his practice bag over his shoulder, waiting for Jongup to do the same before exiting the dance studio.

Heading back to the apartment he was growing increasingly anxious again. In an effort to hold it back he tried being angry at Himchan for being incapable of explaining whatever was going on, but it only left him more anxious than before. Lost in his apprehension he was biting on his nails until he was bleeding, but even so he didn’t stop; didn’t even notice what he was doing. If Jongup was telling him to stop he honestly couldn’t say.

Finally at the doorstep of their dorm his hands were shaking enough that he couldn’t slide it into the lock. Youngjae cursed under his breath and kicked the door like that would help anything but his frustration. Jongup easily grabbed the keys from his hand and unlocked the door with ease like a normal person.

They took a moment just staring at the door. Jongup had originally reached for the handle, but Youngjae’s apprehension must have been contagious, because he dropped his hand before it could reach it. They exchanged a look after what felt like an eternity, both nodding uncertainly, and Youngjae quickly opened the door; like a bandaid.

After opening the door he wished he could take it back. Wished he could take the whole day back. After being hit with the truth he wished he could take back months. Or was it years?

With the door open he could hear Daehyun crying loudly. It was painful listening to his best friend cry. A feeling of unease rushed through him. Daehyun crying was enough to jerk at his tear ducts, so he was scared of finding out the reason. Scared it would leave him bawling his eyes out. That’s why he didn’t rush into the living room to find out why he was crying. While he was desperate to know what was going on, he was deathly afraid.

“Yongjae-ah, Jongup-ah,” Youngjae couldn’t tell if Himchan was relieved or pained to see them. Jongup squinted at Himchan before giving Youngjae the puzzled look again, concern more present this time. “God, I can’t believe it’s happening, much less say it...” Himchan trailed off. He had half a mind to throw a tantrum as he was being as vague as he had been on the phone.

“Say what?” Youngjae said as he entered the apartment, but before he could continue he noticed Junhong sitting at the dining table, staring at nothing, looking as lost as could be. The dread was back. “Where’s Yongguk-Hyung? Can he explain what’s going on?” The choked sob erupting from Himchan startled him. He recalled him starting to tell him something about Yongguk on the phone, but never finishing.

“Himchan I swear to God!” He yelled, stomping a foot on the floor, as he ran a hand through his now sweaty hair. His lips were quivering now and tears were threatening to fall again. Desperately trying to piece the puzzle pieces together his eyes swept across the dorm. Daehyun was sitting on the floor, knees hugging his chest as he was sobbing into them, body shaking. Himchan was standing in between the two extremes that were Junhong and Daehyun and his demeanour was much the same; not entirely like the mess that was his best friend, but not stoic either.

The yell seemed to snap Himchan from his state, if only a little.

“You know I tried calling him this morning,” Himchan was referring to Yongguk who had uncharacteristically missed their meeting at TS earlier in the day. Youngjae had also tried calling him, even sent him some texts, but Yongguk had only replied an hour or so ago with a simple “I’m sorry”. He’d frowned at the text, but figured they’d talk about it later so he’d just continued practicing the choreo he was struggling with with Jongup, leaving him on “read”.

“Did something happen?” He asked while trying to keep his voice steady, biting at his bloody fingers again. Himchan didn’t nod or anything, but the look in his eyes confirmed that something had definitely happened. _Of course something happened, Sherlock, things wouldn’t be so chaotic if everything was fine._

“Yongguk...” Himchan started and the loud crying coming from Daehyun was making him insane. Jongup looked like a deer stuck in headlights, not sure what to do or who to comfort, if he should even try at all.

“Is he hurt? Why aren’t we with him? Is he in the hospital?” Youngjae rapidly shot out suggestions, becoming increasingly worried as his mind wandered, hoping to come to the bottom of what was happening.

With eyes still firmly planted on the ground Himchan opened and closed his mouth a few times before uttering the words that would break Youngjae. “It was too late.” Youngjae could just blink, requiring context, as if the increase in the intensity of Daehyun’s crying wasn’t clue enough.

“What are you saying? Himchan, please, I can’t take any more of this.” Mind reeling he was crying again. It was becoming too much. He rubbed the palms of his hands against his eyes, pressing down firmly, trying to distract himself.

“I should have been there,” Himchan said, looking like a zombie, repeating the same line from when they were on the phone earlier. “Yongguk... Yongguk’s gone, Youngjae. He’s... he’s not coming back.” As if realising the gravity of his words he brought his hand to cover his mouth. The sudden movement of Junhong grabbing the sides of his head had Youngjae’s gaze flickering over to him. Gone? What did he mean “gone”? _Gone?_ No. It couldn’t be. No, no no. _No._

“No,” Youngjae muttered fruitlessly. Before he knew it he’d stepped closer to Himchan. He stared at him as if accusing him of something. “No,” It was firmer this time. “You’re lying. You’re wrong.” Without realizing what he was doing he was hitting at Himchan’s chest. “What do you mean “ _gone_ ”. No, you’re lying. Lying. _Liar!_ ” The force with which he was hitting him increased bit by bit before Himchan hugged him tightly to his chest. He tried resisting at first, but he needed the comfort of the embrace. He couldn’t tell who was shaking, perhaps both. Probably both of them.

“I’m sorry.” Himchan said for the umpteenth time and it burst whatever flicker of hope he had had that Yongguk being gone didn’t mean what he thought it meant.

“How?” Youngjae sobbed into his chest. “Why?” But there was no reply.

“He just texted me. How could he be gone?” His whole face was wet and hot and uncomfortable. He didn’t notice Himchan going rigid.

“He texted you?”

“Why?”

“What did it say?”

“What does it matter?” The tone of his voice was a mix of confusion and annoyance at the sudden interrogation. Like it would change anything.

“It matters.”

“Why?” He pressed again, tears taking a break from leaking down his face.

“It wasn’t,” Himchan took a shaky breath. “It wasn’t an accident.” The pain on his face was evident. It hurt watching his face contort like that. Then the words registered. “It wasn’t an accident”. It wasn’t an accident. _It wasn’t an accident._

Youngjae pushed Himchan away as soon as the words clicked in his head. The older member didn’t even have the strength to make a face at the uncalled for shove.

“What are you saying? You’re not saying what I think you’re saying, are you, Himchan?” He was back to begging again.

“They said it wasn’t an accident. They said it was deliberate.” Himchan looked like a ghost, Youngjae probably did too.

“He?”

“Yes.”

“No,” Youngjae closed his eyes as he shook his head like mad. “He wouldn’t.” He sobbed and fell to his knees, fingers clawing at his forehead.

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae was starting to loathe the words. He didn’t want to hear them again for as long as he lived. Yongguk. _Yongguk._

His fingers stilled on his forehead as realisation dawned on him. “I’m sorry”. The message. The message from Yongguk, the last message; “I’m sorry”.

“No,” Youngjae pleaded as he curled in on himself, the back of his hands resting on the floor and his head in his hands. “Yongguk-hyung.” He gasped. Did it mean he had only sent it to him? Could he have done something? Should he have known? Why hadn’t he come to him, to any of them? He was their hyung, but they were a team, they were _family_. 

“It’s my fault,” His voice was cracking all over the place, but he didn’t notice, too absorbed in his thoughts. “I didn’t answer. I should have called, I should have,” Someone was hugging him, but he couldn’t tell who. He couldn’t even hear Daehyun’s sobbing anymore. All he could think of was the text and how it was all his fault.

 

* * *

 

Yongguk-hyung  
_I’m sorry_

**Read** 9:56 PM

 

* * *

 

 


	4. Family (G+)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yongguk observes Youngjae’s interactions with his nephew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Care to take a guess as to why this wouldn’t leave my mind all day? Jongup’s instagram update killed me with cuteness.
> 
> Finally one from Yongguk’s perspective! Enjoy.

Yongguk tried to keep from snickering as he was filming the scene in front of him, wide smile plastered on his face. His nephew was sitting on Youngjae’s knee, distracted by a game on his 3DS. What had him in stitches was Youngjae desperately trying to have the kid repeat the line he’d said earlier, Youngjae not having been quick enough to catch it all on Snapchat.

He didn’t know which was funnier, Youngjae trying to bribe him or his nephew ignoring the weak ice cream bribe, knowing he could probably get a lot more than just dessert.

Youngjae’s ears were going red from Yongguk’s stifled laughter, but it did nothing to deter his efforts. Money was on the table now and he could see the expression on his nephew’s face change; Youngjae was getting somewhere. He definitely owed both his nephew and brother a high five after this.

Leaning his head on the hand he wasn’t using to film the two cuties, he observed them with a fond smile on his face. There was a tingling in his chest, leading down into his stomach. It wasn’t the first time they’d been asked to babysit, but it was the first time he felt like this. He wondered what it would be like to have one of their own. He shook his head as he thought of the inevitable corruption of the poor kid - which would be Youngjae’s fault, obviously.

Putting his phone down, satisfied with having captured the moment for ever, he walked over to the duo. There was a big pout on his lover’s face as he childishly poked at the kid for not budging. He hugged Youngjae from behind, smiling down at the two of them as Youngjae leaned into him.

“Hey,”

“Hmm?” Youngjae hummed, still bothering his nephew.

“Let’s make a family.”

Youngjae made a surprised gasp and fumbled with his words, quickly overshadowed by the boy in his lap’s “Ewwww!”

“Don’t ‘eww’ your uncle!” Yongguk laughed and ruffled his hair before picking him up by his armpits and throwing him up in the air repeatedly as laughter erupted from the kid. From the corner of his eye he could see Youngjae smiling softly, equally soft blush on his cheeks; definitely not averse to the idea. His chest tightened, he was happy.


	5. Dark (PG13)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Person A watches physically weaker person B being tortured.

He’d know from the very beginning that you don’t have connections in his line of business. It was a weakness that in the worst case scenario could get you killed. Even so his crew had become family. By the time he noticed it was too late - they had already weaselled their way into his heart. One of them, Youngjae - his Youngjae who was currently trying to keep a brave face, but failing when the pain became too much to bear - infuriatingly so.

Yongguk’s teeth were grit tight as he was watching them torture the smaller man. This had always been a possible scenario. He’d known long before the harmless flirting, the chaste kisses and the fucking without commitment, that this could happen. While this exact scene might not have been one of the ones he had conjured up in his mind, they all knew how their lives would come to an end. They knew what loyalties get you, Yongguk especially so having known no other life than the one of intrigue and betrayals. The only one you could trust was yourself. Watching his mother kill his father at the tender age of seven cemented the words they’d made into a mantra.

But here he was.

He could picture his family asking him if it was worth it as he both saw and heard Youngjae gasp in pain, whole body trembling. Weak, they’d say. The smell of blood made him sick in a way it never had in all his years. His hands were struggling fruitlessly against their bonds, but he was no closer to breaking them free than he had been in...days? He had no way of knowing.

The only way to tell the passing of time was the bruises on Youngjae’s body, but it was too dark and he just wasn’t close enough. That in itself was torture enough, he found. That and Youngjae rapidly losing his spirit. The light in his eyes were fading fast.

The previously loud mouthed and energetic man was now lying on the ground, cheek pressed into the cold and grimy cement floor. His upper body was naked and bleeding, body trembling as he tried holding back his whimpers.

If he ever got his hands on them he’d beat them within an inch of their lives. Again and again and again. He could taste blood in his mouth, absentmindedly registering it as him biting down on his lip. How many times he’d imagined beating them into a pulp he didn’t know. They best pray he never got loose.

Quiet sobs brought him back from his revenge fantasy. He growled in frustration as he yanked at his hands again which only resulted in his wrists bruising more - not that he cared.

If they were anyone else, if Youngjae were anyone else, he’d promise him escape. He’d promise him freedom and happiness and love. But they were not anyone else, they were criminals, and neither of them were that naive. He couldn’t bring himself to lie when both of them knew the truth. If it had the possibility of bringing some comfort he might have been able to, but it would just hurt more.

He had been wondering if it would be less painful if they were only just out of reach of each other. As it was he wasn’t even close to being able to touch Youngjae’s damaged form.

 _I love you_ , he wanted to say, like he’d done so many times before, but it felt final; an admission of defeat. He didn’t want this place, these circumstances to be the last. Was it hypocritical of him? Was there some semblance of hope in him after all? Or did he simply want the last time to have been in the past, before all this?

Pathetic, his mum would have spat at him. Part of him was starting to think he was delirious. He hadn’t thought this much of his parents in years. They’d had it right. While there was nothing he could do about it now, part of him wished he never let the members of his gang get close, but his heart ached just at the thought.

Memories of the first time he’d fucked Youngjae, ‘in earnest’, flashed in his mind. The tight grip of his hands and the ferocity of his mouth on Youngjae had startled the younger man at first, but the intensity was quickly reciprocated. Warning bells had gone off in his mind before he’d even gotten the brunette in front of him, but he didn’t care. It felt worth it at the time. Youngjae was worth it, no matter how much his conflicting emotions were telling him to stop. No matter how much he knew he should have stopped before the sight of the younger criminal made heat flash in his abdomen, but he didn’t listen. Once he’d had him after that there was no going back.

Listening to his struggled breathing tormented him. He’d begged them to leave him alone, defile his own body in any way they saw fit so long as they left the smaller man alone, but they treated him like air. No amount of shouting or cursing made a difference. He didn’t even know what they wanted yet. Didn’t know if this was strictly business or a personal vendetta. Whoever it was was doing a good job of wearing him down, he mused.

Never in his life had he sold out anyone for anything less than personal gain, but here he was, weak for the man he loved, finding himself willing to do or say anything to save him. _Weak_. The disgusting word echoed in his mind.

Youngjae had been so brave for him the first few times, but they quickly wore him down. It was almost more painful watching the shame in his eyes, scared that he’d let his leader down, as he broke down in pain, than it was watching what they were doing to him. He could imagine Youngjae getting angry with him for wanting to give in to whatever they demanded, whatever they wanted. He couldn’t bring himself to care. If he were to threaten to never speak to him again he wouldn’t even hesitate. He might for appearances sake, still playing the part of the stoic leader, but it wouldn’t be in earnest. He’d damn everything to hell for the other.

 _I love you_ , lingered on his tongue, but once again he couldn’t bring himself to say it. It was too final. Uttering the words would feel like “good bye”.

The first day had been filled with assurances and him questioning if Youngjae was okay. There had been less and less to talk about in the following days and now they lingered in silence. This damned heavy silence. Asking if he was okay would be redundant at this point. Nothing about this was okay, the state of Youngjae least of all.

“Yongguk...hyung,” The rasped voice was like razors cutting into him. On bad or busy days he might find Youngjae’s incessant talking mildly annoying, but most of the time it was a welcome break from whatever he was doing. The small and damaged voice didn’t sound right coming from him. It was all wrong, it didn’t sound right. He wanted to maim something.

“Youngjae-ah,” He almost choked.

“It’s okay,” Youngjae choked, probably due to his dry throat.

“Don’t talk, babe.”

“I love you.” There were tears streaming down his face and if the words didn’t break his heart the fact that he couldn’t dry his tears would.

“Youngja-“

“I don’t,” There was a painful cough. “I don’t regret anything.” The weak man in front of him smiled through his tears.

“Don’t give up.” He begged.

“I just don’t want you to feel guilty,” Youngjae wet his lips. “In case-“

“It’s not an option.” Voice firm, almost cold.

“Gukkie~” The use of the nickname made his heart ache.

“Youngjae-ah,” He didn’t know what to say as his voice cracked, tears threatening to fall.

“You love me, right?” He wanted to wipe the sad smile off of his face. It didn’t belong there. He deserved the world.

“Of course I love you, how can you-“

“I just wanted to hear it one last time.” Tired eyes closing.

Yongguk worked against his restraints again as he sobbed. He was desperate, but there was nothing that worked; he’d tried it all. So he did the next best thing.

“I love you, Youngjae. I love you so much. I love you. I love you, I love you.” He repeated it endlessly, bathing in the smile on Youngjae’s face, which he could barely see in the darkness, only stopping once he could hear the even breathing signalling he’d fallen asleep.


	6. Dirty (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae and Yongguk get lost in the moment in Hawaii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually wrote this one yesterday as well. I didn’t intend to post one a day, go me (watch me jinx this).
> 
> Can’t believe it took me six chapters to write something vaguely dirty. It’s usually the first thing I write when I do chaptered fics, just to get it out of my system I guess. I’m just at the beginning of my gangster AU and most of it is just Youngjae and Yongguk having sex, hahaha.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

He’d faintly registered Yongguk sitting in the same spot by the dining table the entire day, working on something or other. It was nothing new. He wished Yongguk would take the time to rest like everyone else, but he had given up telling his hyung that. At least he was enjoying himself in Hawaii most of the time. He was enjoying himself, right?

Distracted by his thoughts he failed to notice the footsteps from behind him. When Yongguk was in view he jumped into the air with a yelp. The older looked nearly just as startled as him, briefly, before the gummy smile appeared and he stifled a laugh.

“You’ll wake them.” He mock chided, sitting down next to him on the couch. Youngjae pouted at him for scaring him, no matter how unintentional it might have been, and shoved his knee into his thigh, resting his thigh there so they were touching.

“I asked what you were watching.” Yongguk’s honey voice said, eyes focused on the television. Youngjae shrugged as he yawned and leaned onto his shoulder. He felt Yongguk turning his head to look at him.

“You should be sleeping like the others.” He said plainly, making Youngjae scoff a little.

“Says you.” He stuck his tongue out, not knowing if he could see him or not. The soft chuckle and shaking of his shoulders let him know he had.

Yongguk’s eyes followed him when he lifted his head to rest it on the back of the couch instead. “Don’t sleep here. You don’t want to have a stiff neck in the morning.”

“Who are you, Himchan-hyung?”

“We mean well.” Yongguk pouted, making him lose himself in giggles. His hands were quickly on him to stop him from waking the others. One clasped over his mouth and the other on his shoulder to keep his grip strong and steady. Even after his laughter died down Yongguk didn’t let go. He tilted his head slightly, mumbling intelligibly that he was done and to let him go.

There was a look in his deep eyes that Youngjae found himself unable to decipher, but he was quickly distracted having noticed the nails digging into his shoulder over his t-shirt. Furrowing his brows seemed enough to snap him out of it, Yongguk muttering an apology as he let him go entirely and focused his attention back on the TV.

He couldn’t help but stare at him after that, trying to ignore the heat low in his stomach in favour of the disappearing sting of his shoulder, not knowing the latter encouraged the former.

“What?” Yongguk asked absentmindedly, eyes still glued to the screen. Youngjae just responded with a noise that neither of them knew the meaning of. His hyung turned his head slightly and met his eyes, a small smile on his lips. It made his heart jump. Youngjae must have moved closer without noticing, or perhaps it had been Yongguk. Their thigh’s were flush against each other now.

So close yet so far.

His heart was thumping impossibly hard in his chest. Part of him wanted Yongguk to notice, part of him was terrified of the possibility. He could feel his hot breath ghosting off of Yongguk’s face and hitting his own in return. He wasn’t moving away and Youngjae was lost, eyes darting from his eyes to his moles to his lips and back again. The fact that Yongguk was doing the same did things to his body. He was hot all over and didn’t miss the look in Yongguk’s eyes as he absentmindedly licked at his lips. It shot straight to his groin.

They grew closer still, somehow their faces were still not touching. There was a timid hand on his thigh, making shivers run through his body. He wanted to tell him to grab him and kiss him like his life depended on it, but he was scared of ruining the moment and the inevitable awkwardness that would follow.

Before he could start overthinking he closed his eyes, for a fake sense of security, and tilted his head as he was closing the distance. Yongguk’s slight gasp as their lips touched had him regret his decision immediately, but before he could retreat a firm hand was at the back of his neck, nails caressing his skin.

Youngjae couldn’t help the relieved moan escaping him, but Yongguk didn’t seem to mind. The hand on his thigh had moved from just above the knee to alarmingly close to his growing erection, nowhere near as timid as before as he groped at his upper thigh.

Without breaking their kiss, which was a mess of slow, but desperate tongues, he moved to sit on his lap. Youngjae tentatively rolled his hips against Yongguk’s tented sweatpants, the older grabbing his hip and neck tightly as he did so. Desperate for more, but still scared, he brought a hand through Yongguk’s hair once, twice, before grabbing a fistful as he thrust down on him. Swallowing each other’s moans their movements became more jagged.

He was sure he tasted coffee, just like Yongguk did. It was surprisingly pleasant, he mused as Yongguk grabbed his ass none too gently, making him steel himself by pulling more at his hair and holding on to his shoulder for dear life at the hot pangs running through him.

Youngjae shuddered against him as he grabbed a hold of both his hips to bring him down to rub his ass against his obvious erection. He whined into his mouth, Yongguk drinking it up as he licked into it. It made him shudder uncontrollably.

Youngjae was breathing hard through his nose, but couldn’t bring himself to care about any of the noises erupting from him - Yongguk certainly wasn’t protesting at his moans, if anything it seemed to make him work harder, low growls coming from Yongguk’s throat as he greedily swallowed them all.

Not wanting to let go of his black curls he removed the hand from his shoulder to grope at his clothed cock. The tensing of the body underneath him had him panicking, making him stop in his tracks, but a hand cupping his cheek and the other moving Youngjae’s hand to resume his motions against him had him relax again.

The older brought a hand underneath Youngjae’s shirt while biting at his lower lip. There was a grunt as he almost wrapped his hand around his clothed erection. The fact that he made those sounds leave Yongguk had him feeling high, powerful. _Hot_. Without even touching himself or being touched he could feel himself straining against his shorts.

His head felt empty and crowded all at the same time.

When his hip was grabbed again and a hand was slung across his back he thought nothing of it, becoming startled as he was flipped onto the couch, Yongguk towering over him. They stared at each other for a moment, chests rising quickly at their heavy breathing.

He clasped a hand over his mouth as Yongguk attacked the skin under his jaw, soft enough not to leave any marks, but enough to have him writhing beneath him. As if that wasn’t enough his fingers clawed into his hips as he thrust against his ass.

This was it, Youngjae was officially losing his mind.

The heavy breathing from his hyung as he was thrusting his clothed cock against him and his mouth worked his way to his shoulder was making him squirm. It was too much. He imagined Yongguk thigh-fucking him and the noise he made had Yongguk working harder against him.

“ _Hyung!_ ” He gasped at the feeling of Yongguk grabbing him through his now too tight shorts. He arched his back from the couch before Yongguk grabbed the nape of his neck and forced their lips together again, still working him.

Youngjae’s moans were more frequent and breathy, whole body twitching and eyes shut tightly. He could feel Yongguk growing closer to the edge as well, thrusts becoming more erratic, and it did not help his situation.

He broke the kiss to look up at the eyes slowly opening to watch him. “I want you,” He muttered, breathless. “Inside of me.” He continued with an obscene lick of his lips, eyes hooded. Long fingers grabbed at his hair and tilted his head back as he kissed him deeply, stealing every sound he made. The thrusts were faster and harder, the hand against him as well, and he shuddered into his touch.

“Fuck.” He groaned against his lips, voice deeper than usual.

Youngjae couldn’t respond with anything but heavy pants, too busy jerking his hips, riding out his orgasm. He rubbed against his ass tight and hard and he loved the feeling of Yongguk shuddering against him. The final thrusts making him gasp at the hotness of it all.

The older member was panting, leaning down to rest on his elbows as he looked into his eyes. Their lips were close, but not connected anymore as they just watched each other intently. He wanted to ask what had just happened, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment. So much so that he was ignoring the uncomfortable situation in his shorts as he just stared up at the handsome man.

His breath hitched as Yongguk leaned down slightly to carefully lick at his lips. Heat rose to his cheeks again at the feeling of his tongue and the intense look in his eyes as he did so. His mouth dropped open slightly at the sight. Embarrassment coursed through him as a smirk formed on Yongguk’s face.

“Shut up.” He said indignantly while pouting.

“I didn’t say anything.” He chuckled. The heat was back in his stomach at the sight of the familiar gummy smile he could never got enough of. The pout quickly disappeared and he couldn’t do anything but look at him fondly. There was a hum before Yongguk lazily moved his lips against his while cupping his face with one hand, thumb absentmindedly brushing his cheek.

Youngjae sighed against him and brought his hands around his neck. In that moment he didn’t have a care in the world.


End file.
